hashtag bibnez

This Jezebel post reminded me of the struggle dialogue I've been having all year with several folks about not changing my last name. Some think it's trite and address their unease with humor, some avoid the topic so purposefully it brings even more tension to the situation.  

(graphic from jezebel article)

I never thought I'd get married. Honestly, I didn't think it was really in the cards for me because I never envisioned finding someone who met my crushing expectations (for realsies!) . Mr. Ñ is the most caring person I've ever met. His patience is (almost) endless. He is smart as all hell and I am excited that he is on my team. I want to go on adventures with him. He brings a lot to my life, but just because he's my person doesn't mean I need to completely change my identity to commit to us as a unit.  One of my biggest challenges has been getting people to realize that me using my maiden name is intentional. It's really awkward to have to bring up time and time again, in different settings, that you are not changing your last name. I don't want to make people feel stupid when they use Nuñez, but grates on my soul so much...I just have to say something to in order to live with myself. 

For me it comes down to the simple fact that I didn't want to give up my identity, my heritage, and my family connection for a societal norm. Luckily, I'm married to a feminist whose politics align with my own, but I'm also married to a man that cares so much for me he'd never make me do something that I truly didn't want to do. To a certain extent I can understand the feelings of the men in the article; I'm sure it's shocking to hear the person you are marrying doesn't want to change their last name. But beyond an initial unease, I have zero patience for the self pitying that goes on. The fact that a man can feel so strongly about his own identity, and yet expect his partner to completely give up hers, is completely hypocritical and narrow-minded.

Like the author of the article, I make a genuine attempt to respect the decision of those women who have changed their last name. It was (hopefully) an independent and thoughtful decision and it would be totally hypocritical of me to advocate choice while not allowing others to make one just because it does not align with my beliefs. You do you, girl!